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the lost soul

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(no subject) [Aug. 31st, 2009|12:07 am]
the lost soul
I need to figure my life out. All I've got going right now is this foreign service test in three weeks, which more likely than not I'm going to fail. And even if I pass, I need something to do while waiting for clearance. I'm sick of applying to jobs, I haven't even gotten a rejection letter back in weeks. The last interview I had was over a month ago. I just feel so underqualified for ANYTHING. What I really want is to hear back from the program in Damascus, to get off the waitlist and spend a year back in the classroom, just learning Arabic for the sake of learning Arabic. I haven't been able to do that in so long. Or go to London, get an economics degree that will at least qualify me for SOMETHING. Problem is, I need 13000 pounds, which I don't have. My mother lent the money I was banking on borrowing to my ever-whining aunt, who has now booked three vacations and hired a psychologist instead of trying to pay anything back. And my father seems to think that I'm a lost cause who should just go work as a cashier in a grocery store. Never ming the thousands of dollars of loans I have after attending a "premiere" institution that didn't mention that in the event of a recession, I'd be underqualified for any decent job and overqualified for most of everything else.

Recently, I've having dreams of Paris all the time. And then I spend the day daydreaming of how great it would be to live and work there. I seem to forget that while I was living there, I was dating a guy I could barely stand, was lonely most of the time and didn't even interact with any French people. For some reason, all that easily slips out of my mind, and all I can think of is sipping espresso while watching passerby in the middle of the day, having Colin come to me with flowers and presents whenever we got into a fight, going to art galleries, walking around the Seine, drinking wine on a bridge, just walking around the pretty, empty streets at night...I'd give anything to go back...

I don't even know what's worth spending time on. Should I be trying to apply to underpaid internships at AIESEC? Apply to entry-level jobs in DC? Think about law school? Start applying for a British visa in case I find a way to pay for LSE? Forget about everything, buy a ticket to Chile or Korea and try teaching english? Most of all, I just want to get out of this prison. And the more I try to get out, the guiltier I feel. My mother is willing to put up with anything from me, I've finally realized that she really does have an unrequited love for me. At least I finally feel like no matter what mistakes I make, SOMEONE will be there to lift me up. But at the same time....what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I'm afraid to waste it away being an office plankton or even worse, rotting in a suburban kitchen, yet I am just as scared of wasting away my youth partying and having fun and then being a 40 year old who hasn't achieved much else and is no longer pretty enough to just get through life on looks and youth alone anymore. Yet every minute spent in contemplation feels like another minute wasted, when I could be doing something to achieve my dreams and goals. But what are my dreams and goals?? That is the question I need to answer, yet cannot.
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2009|11:02 pm]
the lost soul
So I went to NYC for another orals stuyd group today, and was going to meet up with a friend for sheesha, but he ended up having a migraine so I just walked around for a few hours. I found this awesome huge interior decorating store called the Silk Road or something. I wanted to, like, live there. Anyways, the cannopies in section for childrens' rooms looked so cool, and upon closer examination I have decided I could totally make my own. That is going to be my next major project. Besides getting all my shoes fixed and altering half my clothes because they are all so worn out. Ahhhhh how did I get to this?!? Being in New York is the worst, I want to get like every mannequin's outfit at storefronts, expecially the new H&M and Zara collections. But then I think about how who knows where I'll be living in a month, whether I'll even have a job and decide I need the money safe in my bank account. Today, I sent in applications to be a court reporter, russian customer service assistant, and media analyst. This recession is driving me insane!!

Well, on the bright side, I managed to continue my unbeatable record and get my project to be the one chosen to be fully funded during our group exercise today. Perhaps I was meant just meant to be in the foreign service. but then, even if I pass the test, there will be at least 6 months waiting for clearance, and probably more since I have had quite extensive contact with very many foreign nationals. If only someone had warned me about this back when I was 18...
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(no subject) [Aug. 17th, 2009|01:16 am]
the lost soul
I got a new job!!!! Yay! $1900 to translate a 171-page Russian book in 4 weeks. The guy who hired me doesn't know this, but this is my first actual translating job! He thinks I'm a freelance professional....hopefully, he's not too dissatisfied. Andddd now I have a reason to go to Starbucks/Borders every day....although so far no cute guys or interesting people. This is suburbia, after all. The scary part is, I used to go study in Borders all the time in high school and I would always see the same older people there. They are STILL THERE!!!! IT HAS BEEN FOUR YEARS!!!! It makes me fearful of the future.

Tomorrow I'm going to another Foreign Service prep meeting through the Yahoo group. The last one I went to was kind of weird, all the guys were way older and like ex-I-Bankers. They were surprised that I had just finished college and was already trying to apply. I guess people in New York don't hear about the foreign service as much or something, the groups I attended in Washington had people of all ages. Ahhh maybe this one tomorrow will be different.

Home is boring, but I don't know why I expected it to be different. I got my dad an ice-cream maker for his birthday yesterday and since he's uber-busy finishing up some web design project that is due tomorrow, I decided to start the first batch myself, at my little sister's insistence. I made an awesome concoction of chocolate, cocoa powder, roasted almonds, bananas and chocolate chunks. Right now, it resembles a giant batch of melted ice cream goo, but it still tastes amazing and is going to be orgasmic once its done tomorrow. My next step is to rent a donkey and a boombox and cart it around the neighborhood parks, selling all-natural ice cream. If people buy $3 popsickles from the ice cream truck, they are sure to buy homemade double-churned ice cream from me and my donkey.

I need a haircut, but I don't know what to do!! THe dilemmas are as follows:

1. I really want to try going blonde. But my mother claims we have bad grey hair genes and if I start dyeing my hair now, it will start graying by the time I'm twenty five. however, I am soooooo bored of my current hair.

2. I really want long hair. But I have been trying to grow it out since I got back from France, and I am convinced it is STILL the same length. All I get is trims every couple of months. Maybe I should just give up?

3. My highlights have grown out. My mother is convinced that unless I make it uniformly brown again, I will not pass my foreign service orals next month. I doubt this, but at the same time, I know something must be done about the grown-out highlights. And soon.

4. If I do get a real cut this time, what should it be? A twenties bob? One of those things that go diagonally short in the back, longer in the front? The same thing as now, just shorter? A mohawk? Ahhhhhhh!

anyways, here's a pick of the hirschhorn after hours party like a month ago. I think that was the most fun I've had in a while...


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(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2009|09:05 am]
the lost soul
So as part of new years, me and my friend decided to create this list of things we have to accomplish each week. And then every sunday we've agreed to meet at a new place for brunch and go over our accomplishments. Haha and part of it is writing more so I've decided to start updating here again...except I have also managed to lose my camera somewhere so posts shall be boring I'm afraid until it is recovered.

Anyways, last night we went out to this place called the Russia House. It was, as my friend put it, "Moscow with no face control"-a conglomeration of the sketchiest Russian-speaking population of Georgetown. Good thing there were enough guys in our group to deter them, but like I couldn't even order a drink because the guy standing in front of the bar was so weirdly creepy. Russians are usually so much fun if they're not sketchy, it was really a disappointment :( I also heard a lot of people talking in French and it mad me miss Paris SOOOOOO much! Maybe I should just try to find a job there....or teach english next year. I don't even know why I go out anymore-its expensive, I have yet to meet anyone cool, really I can dance on campus and to music that I have more of a say in.
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I'm...back [Jul. 15th, 2008|11:31 am]
the lost soul
Now that I have daily internet (8 whole hours at work everyday!) I figured I can start getting active again. So I'm back at Georgetown, overpaying for housing but I had to do it because I couldn't spend the entire summer at my parent's house. Like....I move in and my entire closet is filled with my dad's old soviet university physics textbooks and my sisters extra toys and clothes. I didn't even take my clothes out of my suitcases the entire time. The bed was mostly occupied by the new cat. And I felt too guilty to go explore NYC or do anything most days because I felt like I should be helping around the house or helping to take care of my sister. So I decided it was better to just move to DC.
I have a new job with a firm called Social Technologies. It only pays minimum wage, which barely even covers rent, but hopefully it helps me out later on. I'm mostly doing research on Russian markets and stuff, its not too bad. And all the supervisors are nice, so no big complaints. I also got hired at Annie's Cream Cheese, a pretty well-known designer vintage store around here, I start next weekend.
The rest of the time I spend trying to decide what to do with my life in a year....I can't believe college is almost done! I start studying for the LSAT and got pretty good results, but I'm just not sure about being a lawyer. So I've been doing some other research. The fellowship office at school says that my chances at getting a Fullbright are nil with my current essays, maybe I'll just apply for a teaching assistanship in France. I'm also considering the MSc program in Environment and Development at the London School of Economics. Its only a year, so I won't have THAT much debt, and it might help me get a nice consulting job. I just don't wanna live in the states. I know its the perfect country for most people-all the opportunities, etc. But I hate the food, the work-first mindset, the men, the lack of any aesthetic or fashion sense, lack of interest in anything but making money or being successful. I just don't want a cushiony life in some suburb with 2.5 kids, a bmw, a "perfect" husband who I'll stop having sex with after the first six months, and constantly worrying about food, exercise and gaining weight. I want to see the world, experience new things, go to museums, be surrounded by stylish and sophisticated people, have intelligent conversations, fall in love, eat real food...its  not gonna happen here, I know it.
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Meme [Jun. 21st, 2008|12:40 am]
the lost soul
What color is your toothbrush?
Green and Clear

Name someone that made you smile today? 
Justin

What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Hanging out with friends

What is your favorite candy bar? 
Trader Joe's Black Belgian Choclate 

Have you ever been to a strip club?
not really

What is the last thing you said aloud?
Good night!

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Monkey Bites

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Chai

What are you wearing right now? 
Sunflower summer dress, sandals, black flower shawl 

What was the last thing you ate?
Grapes

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
A dress on Ebay, a dress from H&M

When was the last time you ran?
Today, on the treadmill

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
My friend Sarah

Do you take vitamins daily?
Nope. I should though

Do you go to church every Sunday?
Never

Do you have a tan?
I wish....its usually fake

Do you like Chinese food over pizza?
Definitely

Do you drink your soda with a straw?
When available

What did your last text message say?
No clue...it was a while ago

Are you someones best friend?
I hope so ;)

What are you doing tomorrow? 
Getting a job, going to Urban Outfitters, unpacking, doing a practise LSAT, drinking

Where is your dad?
Ummmm sleeping probably

Look to your left, what do you see?
Boxes and unsorted things

What color is your watch?
I never wear one

Do you use chapstick?
Cherry flavored :)

What is your birthstone?
Saphire, and I love it!

Go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
Go in....actually better avoid fast food altogether, but why ruin the eating ritual?

Do you have a dog?
It died a few years ago

Last guy you talked to on the phone?
Scott...yesterday

Last girl you talked on the phone with?
Yulia

Any plans today?
Bed?

Do you dye your hair?
Never have.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
No jobs!

Can you say the alphabet backwards?
It would take quite a while....

Do you have a maid service clean your house?
OHhhhhh I wish!!! How do I want one!!!

Are you jealous of anyone? 
Anyone with a quality internship

Do you love anyone?
Yes

Do any of your friends have children?
No

Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
Well dislike a LOT...

Do you use the word hello daily?
Probably

Do you like cats?
Yeah.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes, not a big fan though

How did you get your worst scar?
I fell off a giant trash bin when I was five....don't ask what I was doing on top of one in the first place
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(no subject) [May. 4th, 2008|10:51 pm]
the lost soul
So my landlady just kindly informed me that I have to be out by the 28th because her granddaughter is moving in....great. Now I have to find a place to stay for the last few days of school, buy tickets earlier than planned (thank god I hadn't paid for any yet), AND spend three months at home. My plan for not dying:

1. Try being completely vegan for three months. NO CHEATING!

2. Join a gym.

3. Study many, many hours for the LSATs.

4. Take online courses to bring GPA up.

5. Explore NYC when not interning.

6. Ugh...learn something new? Sewing? Cooking? I'll figure it out.
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(no subject) [May. 4th, 2008|12:34 am]
the lost soul
So today I called my mom....and eventually the eternal question:

Mom: "So does your landlady still buy you pastries?"

Me: "No...I stopped eating them cuz i'm scared to gain too much weight" *expecting Mom to be supportive and be like 'Honey, you're in Paris! I'm sure a couple French pastries won't hurt!'* Instead, it goes like this:

Mom: "How much do you weigh now?"

Me: "Ugh......like 120? I'm not sure."

Mom: "Good, keep it up! I've got a whole new diet and exercise plan waiting for us to do together once you're back!"

So my summer is gonna be like high school all over again.....obsessing over food, eating disorders, way too much time at the gym and feeling like shit. Will it ever end? I just want to cut all ties with America once and for all. How can you be normal in a country where half the population is overweight, no one even walks to the grocery store five minutes away, but yet all compare themselves to starving celebs who spend 5 hours of the gym? I can't take a life of this. And it only gets worse once you get older and have to worry and wrinkles and Botox...
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travel blog! [Jun. 5th, 2007|07:12 pm]
the lost soul

IT HAS ARRIVED!!!

http://pretentiouspoverty.blogspot.com

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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2007|06:39 pm]
the lost soul
So two days ago was officially a week of sleeping in the Voice Newspaper office. It's developed into a routine. Like every day  (or almost) we have to go to the gym because otherwise we can't shower. We'll do some cardio, then some weights, crunches, pushups, go to the sauna and sweat our troubles aways, then a nice long shower, do our hair, put makeup on...the whole process takes around 3 hours. Food-wise we've gotten quite good at turning raw spniach leaves+various scavenged food articles into some pretty decent dinners. I don't know what will happen once spinach stops being on sale at Safeway.

But the best news...


WE GOT TICKETS!!! And only $413, for NYC-Munich!! We were freaking out, because two weeks ago those tickets were $535, and we were waiting to get enough money for them, then the price went up to $620 from DC, then we looked today and DC-Munich was over $700. Luckily, I decided to check out the NYC-Munich flights and it turned out there were 3 seats left on a flight for only $400! It was like the God of Airplanes had smiled down upon us. So now its official. We've got plane tickets and tickets to the Southside Music Festival. And we'll find a way to survive once we're there, even if we have to live off of canned chickpeas for two months.
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