||[Aug. 31st, 2009|12:07 am]
the lost soul
I need to figure my life out. All I've got going right now is this foreign service test in three weeks, which more likely than not I'm going to fail. And even if I pass, I need something to do while waiting for clearance. I'm sick of applying to jobs, I haven't even gotten a rejection letter back in weeks. The last interview I had was over a month ago. I just feel so underqualified for ANYTHING. What I really want is to hear back from the program in Damascus, to get off the waitlist and spend a year back in the classroom, just learning Arabic for the sake of learning Arabic. I haven't been able to do that in so long. Or go to London, get an economics degree that will at least qualify me for SOMETHING. Problem is, I need 13000 pounds, which I don't have. My mother lent the money I was banking on borrowing to my ever-whining aunt, who has now booked three vacations and hired a psychologist instead of trying to pay anything back. And my father seems to think that I'm a lost cause who should just go work as a cashier in a grocery store. Never ming the thousands of dollars of loans I have after attending a "premiere" institution that didn't mention that in the event of a recession, I'd be underqualified for any decent job and overqualified for most of everything else. |
Recently, I've having dreams of Paris all the time. And then I spend the day daydreaming of how great it would be to live and work there. I seem to forget that while I was living there, I was dating a guy I could barely stand, was lonely most of the time and didn't even interact with any French people. For some reason, all that easily slips out of my mind, and all I can think of is sipping espresso while watching passerby in the middle of the day, having Colin come to me with flowers and presents whenever we got into a fight, going to art galleries, walking around the Seine, drinking wine on a bridge, just walking around the pretty, empty streets at night...I'd give anything to go back...
I don't even know what's worth spending time on. Should I be trying to apply to underpaid internships at AIESEC? Apply to entry-level jobs in DC? Think about law school? Start applying for a British visa in case I find a way to pay for LSE? Forget about everything, buy a ticket to Chile or Korea and try teaching english? Most of all, I just want to get out of this prison. And the more I try to get out, the guiltier I feel. My mother is willing to put up with anything from me, I've finally realized that she really does have an unrequited love for me. At least I finally feel like no matter what mistakes I make, SOMEONE will be there to lift me up. But at the same time....what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I'm afraid to waste it away being an office plankton or even worse, rotting in a suburban kitchen, yet I am just as scared of wasting away my youth partying and having fun and then being a 40 year old who hasn't achieved much else and is no longer pretty enough to just get through life on looks and youth alone anymore. Yet every minute spent in contemplation feels like another minute wasted, when I could be doing something to achieve my dreams and goals. But what are my dreams and goals?? That is the question I need to answer, yet cannot.